Thursday, December 23, 2010


Did you ever notice that people at the grocery seem to temporarily lose their minds the minute they walk through those automatic doors? It's like there is some sort of sensor that causes the common sense to go flying right out of their brains.

I don't know about you, but I do not have time in my day to idly wander the aisles of Shoprite. The morning (or night before) my planned trip to the local Shoprite I write out a list of all of the things we need. This keeps me from buying unnecessary crap and ensures I don't have to wander up and down every aisle racking my brain for whether we need tuna or peanut butter. But despite my list, I always end up spending way more time in Shoprite than I deem necessary. One of these days I am going to snap and have a minor fit on one of the following people:

The person who drives their car at 5mph looking for the closest spot to the store. Listen my friend, stop being lazy and just put your car in a spot already. Even Giselle could probably use the walk now and again so take right foot, put on gas and go.

The couple who stands in the middle of the aisle arguing over whether or not to buy the $2.50 box of Princess and the Frog fruit snacks. The aisles at my Shoprite are so small that two carts can barely pass each other without you planting your cart on one side of the aisle and your husband planting himself on the other side waving the box of fruit snacks at you like a maniac. I know we are in a recession but it is $2.50! Put them in the cart and stop blocking my access to the oatmeal for Pete's sake. This is also why I do my grocery shopping solo. Maybe you should consider this next time lady.

The women who haven't seen each other in "over a year" (their exact words) who proceed to position their carts at the back of the spaghetti aisle. So while they make trivial conversation and pretend to give a crap about what the other person is saying I am stuck waiting for you to notice me impatiently tapping my foot. Take the reunion to the local Applebees and catch up over apple martinis. Shoprite is not the place to discuss what little Johnny and little Susie have been up to. No one cares.

The woman who stands in front of the yogurt display, trying to figure out which is the cheapest brand. It is yogurt! Most of them are under $1 a piece! Grab a handful and go. And seriously, you appear to be around 50. Price be damned. I'm 28 and I don't care what's on sale. It's Dannon Lite and Fit in my house or its nothing. Also, don't give me the stink eye when I blatantly walk in front of you, grab my yogurts and peace out back to my cart. You may have all day to figure out how to save a quarter but I don't have the desire to spend my entire day in the Spotswood Shoprite. Maybe if you had a life you wouldn't either.

And please don't even get me started on the lack of manners the fine patrons of Shoprite seem to possess. I swear the last time I was there I must have said "excuse me" and "I'm sorry" at least half a dozen times. Do you think a nicety was tossed in my direction even once? You can bet that's a big fat no.

I implore you, please do not treat your grocery shopping as a leisurely stroll through the park. Make a list. Move through the aisles with purpose. And for the love of god don't use the self checkout if you can't figure out how to scan your items.

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